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(NOTE: This excerpt from the hearing transcript begins as Hayward is finishing his statement of apology for the economic and environmental damage caused by the spill.)

TONY HAYWARD: … we will not rest until we stop this well, mitigate the environmental impact of the spill and address economic claims in a responsible manner. No resource available to this company will be spared. We and the entire industry will learn from this terrible event and emerge from it stronger, smarter and safer.

HEARING CHAIR: We appreciate you being here. I’ll let young Miss Flora Mack, who is sitting in on this panel for Representative Waxman, start things off. Go ahead young lady.

FLORA MACK (to HAYWARD): You a funny man!

HAYWARD: Oh, no, no Madam. I assure you I take this tragedy very seriously.

MACK: Ver-wee sewious-wee! Ah-ploo! (Makes spitting sound, mimicking mild flatulence. Hayward’s brow visibly moistened with saliva.)

HAYWARD: Indeed. This is why we’ve committed to pay all legitimate claims related to the loss of livelihood or damage to property or the environment.

MACK: I’m Flora! I’m two! I’m a wittle girl!

HAYWARD: I can assure you, B.P. cares about even the smallest people. We aren’t one of those corporations driven solely by greed or profit. Everyone in our company is looking out for all the small people.

(Audible gasp in the room.)

MACK: I’m a big girl when I sit on the potty, though.

HAYWARD: I think I understand what you’re saying, and I agree that it is of the utmost importance that BP and the government of the United States continue to work tirelessly until this unfortunate situation is resolved. Then, perhaps, I can finally have my life back and together we can all get off the “pot” together, as it were. (long pause) Oh, I’m sorry, or were you talking about how we create value for our shareholders?

MACK: I saw a bird once. It was scary. It was black.

HAYWARD: BP is doing everything in our power to limit the environmental and ecosystem damage, working in concert with the government, the Coast Guard, NGOs, providing equipment to scrub oiled birds, whatever it takes. We will make this right, because as I said earlier, this accident has saddened me deeply and personally.

MACK: Why?

HAYWARD: Well, because it is such an unprecedented and unforeseen tragedy that could not have been prevented.

MACK: But, why?

HAYWARD: Well, because all safety measures were taken and everything was done properly and according to regulations and protocol. These things just happen, I’m afraid.

MACK: Why?

HAYWARD: You can never have a contingency plan for every scenario, we have thousands of wells like that one, but each with its own set of unique risks.

MACK: Why?

HAYWARD: With all due respect, my job is to create value for our shareholders. And we do this by finding a supply of oil to meet the demand. These days that supply isn’t as easy to find.

MACK: But, Why? Why? Why? WHHHHHYYYYY?

HAYWARD: Because we used up all the easy-to-get stuff years ago, and now all that’s left is in the earth’s crust or under places terrorists live.

MACK: Wh…

HAYWARD: (continuing) And, frankly, given the stricter regulations imposed by European nations on drilling in the North Sea, it makes much more sense to really hit it hard over here. Drill, baby, drill, right? Cowboys and Indians and Beverly Hillbillies over here, isn’t it? You people all ought to be thanking us, honestly. Even after spilling a little oil on your most unimpressive, white trash beaches, you’ll still pay half as much for a gallon as it would be in London. Why don’t you people ride a bike every now and then anyway? I feel like Kate Moss walking around Houston. You’re all huge. In fact, I misspoke – there aren’t any small people here for us to look out for.

MACK: You a poop-head.

HAYWARD: I get that a lot.

I WANT YOU to join the new proletariat, kids!

President Obama is set to address the schoolchildren of America in a webcast address today. The President’s address has been controversial, with talk radio and other honorable media outlets highlighting the White House’ hopes of using the speech for purposes of indoctrinating young Americans into a multicultural, birth-certificate-forging, militant-black-woman-loving Red Army for the 21st Century.

Conservative watchdogs have been spreading the word about the dangerous address through signs and placards held high by AK-47 toting mentally unstable men stationed outside town hall meetings.

A few highlights from today’s address causing the most concern among respectable meat-eating Middle American men (courtesy of the Michael Savage Show): Continue reading…

The Wrecking Ball Report would just like to remind everyone that the people of California were outraged enough with the leadership of former Governor Gray Davis that they removed him from office. We are not criticizing that decision and actually applaud all democratic efforts to throw off the shackles of an inept or corrupt governing class. Davis may very well have failed his state during the electrical crisis at the beginning of this decade. Rolling blackouts and higher utility bills are both disconcerting, like a bad rash or hemorrhoids in the midst of a summer road trip. Continue reading…

Plaxico Burress, the now former NFL wide receiver is feeling the sting of America’s injustice system, which has a pattern of prejudice against football players who have had success in the playoffs.

Burress’ action was not even a crime in several western states; he carried a concealed handgun into a saloon. The gun was discovered when it went off in his pants. Still the courts sentenced him to two years in prison. Almost surely because Burress was a member of the Super Bowl-winning New York Giants. Continue reading…

By a wide margin of victory in today’s Senate vote, the nation now has its first Hispanic Supreme Court Justice in Sonia Sotomayor. But that’s just not that funny – unless you’re drunk racist uncle charlie at the family picnic, or Strom Thurmond’s family (his LEGIT family – not the colored one, you know…)

Here’s a quick review of our greatest hits when it comes to our newest Supreme Court justice:

• If there’s one thing our Supreme Court is best known for, it’s the zingers! Trust me – Clarence Thomas has perfected the use of ‘that’s what she said.’

How do you think Justice Byron White got the nickname “Whizzer?” Apparently Chief Justice William Brennan had this great impression of the plaintiff in 1973′s Frontiero v. Richardson that made White piss his robe around the water cooler one day – Brennan greeted him as ‘Whizzer’ every day from then on! Those crazy kids!

But now that it looks like Sonia Sotomayor is on her way to confirmation by the Senate, get ready for some serious throw-downs! Here’s a preview of some of the daily banter we can expect between a newly seated Justice Sotomayor and her ideological opposite and trash-talking nemesis Antonin Scalia, as well as the rest of the gang on the daily lunchtime run to Quizno’s. Read more…

• A few months ago, when Sonia Sotomayor was first named as President Obama’s pick for next person to have their entire life’s record eviscerated, mocked, twisted and taken completely out of context for the sake of partisan gain and general time-wasting, we came up with a list of questions we knew were on the minds of the GOP members of Congress.

So here’s a list of things you can be sure will be right on the tips of many of their tongues during today’s hearing, and if Lindsay Graham gets riled up enough, he might just let one of these fly. I hear that when applied in just the right way, a titty twister will cause him to say exactly what’s on his mind…

Read more…

Thank God we have Glenn Beck to speak crazy to power. In this clip from his cocktail party with a pretty girl who used to be a lawyer and the weird dude with glasses that always hits on the pretty girl so he had to attend via satellite, Beck explains how when auto dealers log into a secure government site to report a ‘cash for clunkers’ deal, it gives the federal government permission to take everyone’s private property via imminent domain and give it to China. Socialism! Continue reading…

Huh?

Photoshop sure is cool, ain’t it? But what if such a powerful tool fell into the wrong hands? The hands of somebody with a knowledge of recent pop culture… someone who spends too much time listening to Sean Hannity… somebody with enough time on their hands to use photoshop to try and link their two passions in a totally nonsensical, but easily offensive way?  Dear god.  Then imagine if other people used photoshop to photoshop the already photoshopped Obama Joker poster into photos of real places in Atlanta!??!

Double Huh?

The Humanity! How will Newsbusters and HuffPo ever find the real truth? And what the fuck does that comic character played by that dead Australian dude have to do with Karl Marx? Are we stuck in some sort of Matrix of photoshop boredom? Maybe I should have gone with the Sarah Palin-as-Corky-from-Thirtysomething poster last year…. Why am I even writing about this…  Must feed beast….

Time to Make Some Lemonade, suckas!

Have you seen John Boehner’s sweet new ride?

So far the GOP represents the only new car buyer that’s been able to use a ‘cash for clunkers’ voucher to purchase a new Hummer.

The Grand Ol’ Par-taay opted to trade in Michael Steele, who got an EPA-estimated zero MPG both in the city and on the highway, as well as in the media and in the minds of anyone with one. That meant the Hummer’s 10 MPG rating made it a sufficient enough upgrade to be an eligible purchase under the wildly popular auto stimulus program.

Michael Steele was sent to an auto scrapyard where he will be crushed into a cube with 3,000 Ford Explorers and Harry Reid.

In a related story, Nancy Pelosi was seen driving a new Ford Escape around Washington, giving the finger in the general direction of the Senate.

If there’s one thing our Supreme Court is best known for, it’s the zingers!  Trust me – Clarence Thomas has perfected the use of ‘that’s what she said.’

How do you think Justice Byron White got the nickname “Whizzer?” Apparently Chief Justice William Brennan had this great impression of the plaintiff in 1973′s Frontiero v. Richardson that made White piss his robe around the water cooler one day – Brennan greeted him as ‘Whizzer’ every day from then on! Those crazy kids!

But now that it looks like Sonia Sotomayor is on her way to confirmation by the Senate, get ready for some serious throw-downs! Here’s a preview of some of the daily banter we can expect between a newly seated Justice Sotomayor and her ideological opposite and trash-talking nemesis Antonin Scalia, as well as the rest of the gang on the daily lunchtime run to Quizno’s. Continue reading…

Harry Reid is just so sick and tired of this health care talkie, talkie, talkie!  Thank god for his wicked health insurance plan, access to the Congressional Rec Center, and his sweet hook-up at Pfizer with the happy pills that keep him nice, mellow and monotone.

The majority leader drolled today, with only slight agitation -

“There’s totally no fucking way we’re passing this health care bull shit anytime soon! I’m sorry, but there’s no fucking way I’m pushing back my vacation for this crap!

I’ve got mining reform laws that I’ve got to slowly strangle without pissing off the rest of the party so I can get re-elected back home. Do you KNOW how draining that is?”

Reid says he and fellow Democrats hope to spend time during the August recess talking more with constituents about the health care issue, while also taking some time to relax at the many calming picnics sponsored by Pfizer, Lilly and that one insurance company that always has the kick ass maragaritas! TGIF! (almost)