WreckingBallReport.com

From AKC

The great wait is almost over. As the country has descended into a shit-spiral of epic proportions over the recent months, an emotionally unbalanced nation bereft of all remaining coping mechanisms found itself turning to the last true opiate of the masses… No – fuck that religion shit, we built up a tolerance to that horse piss years ago. We’re talking about the real, good, hardcore, pure shit from the street, yo – celebrity pet gossip.  Aw yea, just a little tingle and then we get that nice gooey warm feeling just thinking about it. It just makes the hurt melt away……

Um, anyway, what were we saying?  Oh shit, yea the Obama dog… Oh, damn, that’s good shit… Just give us a second. Yea man, we’ll get to the joke in headline… We’ll be OK, just one second -  just got to feel this out.  Awwwwwww………. yeah……….

Ok, man – so it’s like this… The Obamas finally picked out this dog, right? It’s like a rescued Portuguese Water Dog or something, like some kind of a half poodle, half lab thing that eats warm spinach salads and reads Paul Krugman every day- total east coast liberal dog.

But then we’re like – ‘wait a second, man – this is a rescued dog, right? This dog must have been working its ass off somewhere, you know?’ So we’re like, ‘Fuck yea, you go dog – you deserve that frappucino in your West Wing water dish, man.’

Hey wait, you think they really do that? Cuz that’d be like some totally new, like uncut celebrity pet gossip. We gotta mainline that shit, man.  Like, we NEED this. We DESERVE this, seriously.

Like, maybe you all should leave now. This might get ugly.

• First Dog will be a rescued Portuguese water dog, says Michelle Obama