Obama Budget Causes White House Copy of QuickBooks to Initiate Self-Destruct Sequence
That’s apparently the default setting for any budget deficit that runs over a trillion dollars, or in this case, almost two trillion dollars. For anyone that borrows that much from say, some guy in the back room of a Jersey City bar, that might seem like a logical response. But fortunately we’re borrowing from the Chinese, who have a much friendlier track record. Ok, except for that one dude and the tank. Oh yea, and Tibet. And the Falun Gong, um, yea, and the Uigurs. Oh, right – cultural revolution…. and poisoning our children and pets… and single-handedly ruining the environment. Still, they seem more reputable than most banks, and in case you hadn’t heard – WE’RE FUCKING BROKE!
So what exactly is in this budget? Well remember that little stimulus package that clogged up Congress for a month? You ain’t seen nothing yet. The draft released today is just a 142-page summary. The actual budget is being printed on Rod Blagojevich’s bangs to ensure adequate space, and is expected to be more convoluted than the plotline of the upcoming Lost / Heroes joint special.
The first few dozen pages of the summary outline what a sorry-ass bunch of losers we are right now, and how we were actually better off when we were all driving around that shitty old Accord hatchback in 1997, lamenting how the new Pearl Jam CD just doesn’t live up to Ten and focusing on our poetry while working part time at the Java Shack so we can get first crack at open mic night. That’s right, that was a better quality of life, folks.
The budget then continues to lay out a modest solution – We will do everything. We will build new bridges, schools, highways, forms of energy, improve education, put all our national forests into glass snow globes, restore our standing in the world, put Blossom back on the air, fix the economy, create jobs, make food safe again, make spinach taste like candy, save rural America, and we’ll all fuck supermodels every night. I’m actually understating things a little bit.
If it works, we’ll have a new Utopian American dream to wake up to. If it doesn’t, we’ll be speaking Manadarin and making illegal border crossings into Mongolia every Tuesday with a shipment of uranium or maybe toxic Fisher-Price toys stuffed in every orafice.
What the fuck, we’ll take those odds…
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