WreckingBallReport.com

Where's the $100 worth of pudding? Aww Yeah...

Obie One announced his signage of a seriously shit-kicking memo today. Does this White House know how to party or what? Signed a memo today, hittin’ the kegerator tonight!

So the deal is – no more $7,000 screwdrivers or titanium wing nuts or any transportation contracts negotiated by Tom Daschle. Obie wants to get rid of government waste through silly no-bid  contracts that screw the taxpayer and line the pockets of contractors.

Sounds simple enough – except that this is still the federal government we’re talking about here, and the pen used to draft the memorandum cost us 7 billion and the first born child of every man named “Ralph” in Rhode Island. Better get to work on this quick, because my buddy Ralphie “the Rocket” Woodson from Woonsocket finally got lucky last night…

But there’s always someone on the losing side of every over-hyped executive memo signing. Here’s a list of who stands to lose the most from those oh-so sweet no questions asked (except “what’s ‘diligence’ mean?”) contracts. We went through a 6-month bidding process to make sure we got the best person to write this list. As a result, however, we can’t guarantee they’re all actually real.

1. 24-karat Krappers, suppliers of the legendary golden toilet seats to Congress – We’re not sure if this is something Fox News made up, but there really was a several-thousand dollars for one toilet seat contract somewhere on Cap Hill.
2. Halliburton, oh Halliburton…..
3. Absurdly Overpriced Inconsequential But Necessary Item Warehouse (a division of Sam’s Club) - we weren’t joking about the thousands spent on screwdrivers, nuts and bolts.
4. Assorted Hookers – You know we’re paying for some elected jagoff to get jagged off somehow…
5. Companies with ‘Environmental’ in their name that destroy the Environment – Kinda like isn’t Phillip Morris called “Smoking Sucks, Inc.” now or something?
6. Dog the Bounty Hunter, Jack’s Whack ‘em, Inc. and anyone else that contracts with the FBI – We also heard they’re still paying David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson as ‘image consultants.’
7. Future terrorists, enemies of the state and anyone else on contract with the CIA – a bidding process might have got us someone a little better than Noriega…
8. Starbucks - 5 bucks for a Venti? That won’t even get you a sugar packet at the top-secret barista stand in the basement of Langley.
9. MSNBC – Looks like that no-bid ‘ass-kissing’ contract could end up at another network. Too bad, we were just enjoying this new contract after Fox News chose not to renew.
10. Robert Gibbs – Please, please put that position up for a competitive bidding process. He’s fucking killing us.

• Source: Obama to order govt contracting overhaul.