WreckingBallReport.com

ponandzi.com

So fraudster Bernard Madoff is officially guilty of bilking plenty of Americans out of billions, taking cash and promising to invest it and guaranteeing too-good-to-be-true returns. Of course, those returns came from other investors in a grand reverse pyramid Ponzi scheme that never actually invested in anything other than keeping Madoff neck deep in hookers, blow, yachts, and, we hear, Tonkin snub-nosed monkeys, for some reason.

Looking at how a Ponzi scheme works, by continuously taking in cash and only pretending to invest it until the whole thing eventually collapses, got us thinking about other places where this model exists.

So, here’s some of the next great Ponzi schemes of our time:

1. Congress – Ah yes, millions in campaign contributions and tax dollars every year go towards investing in the continuing prosperity and progress of a great nation. Don’t think we need to spell this one out anymore – not that we aren’t looking forward to all the returns we’ll reap from that new tattoo removal program….
2. Church – Yep, this post is apparently the online equivalent of a Sacred Cow Quarter Pounder (yes, with cheese).  But think about it, the money keeps going into that little wooden plate, and your spiritual financial adviser seems to deliver the returns – your kids are happy and healthy, you’re living a satisfied life, and the sun shines every day. Until, one day soon, your wife comes home with a new penis and a pamphlet that seems to overuse the prefix “trans-,” your kid is following Joaquin Phoenix on tour and, oh by the way, the new tenant in your basement is a bottlenose dolphin thanks to rising sea levels. The metaphysical Ponzi house of cards has collapsed, and somehow Christopher Hitchens seems even more smug now. Fucking great.
3. Higher Education – Hi, my name’s Harvard. I’ve got a shitload of money already, but if you give me more money than you could possibly make in the next ten years that you’ll spend working at independent bookstores, ineffective non-profits or teaching English abroad, I’ll give you a pat on the back, send you in the direction of our now unemployed Wall Street alumni or perhaps to Washington (see #1).  By the way, you’ll need to continue to send us those payments for the rest of your life, or maybe you weren’t really one of us after all.
4. AIG, General Motors and Citibank – The first case of the fraudsters behind one Ponzi scheme (see #1 again)  being duped by other schemers?
5. Dogs – We’re all pretty sure it’s a scam after the first time they shit on the couch, yet we continue to feed them for years.
6. Kids (with apologies to Flora) – See #5.

• Madoff Is Guilty in Ponzi Scheme; Ordered to Jail (Update3) – Bloomberg.com.