AIG Bonus Gate – Ten Better Ways AIG Could Have Spent Our Bailout Money
Wanna t-shirt?
It seems the phrase “they just don’t get it” was made for these times we’re living in. For years, we thought it was mostly socially awkward teens and co-workers that “didn’t get it,” but only now are we beginning to understand the phrase’s true meaning. Now that we’re getting to know these first-rate inept crap craniums over at AIG a little better, we finally get it – these motherfuckers REALLY don’t fucking get it!
If you haven’t already heard, a nice sizeable chunk of your taxpayer dollars that’s been used to continually bailout the insurance giant at the center of the end of the world miniseries we’re now in went to pay millions in bonuses to some top-level executives. Ridiculous? yes, but don’t worry, it gets even better.
Most of the bonuses went to AIG’s financial products subsidiary, the arm of the company most responsible for the company’s (and the world’s) financial collapse. I guess we shouldn’t be surprised, now that we know that these are the people who really don’t get it.
So as a public service, both to the folks at AIG, who are apparently suffering from either some sort of developmental disability or an extreme case of anus inflammation; and to potential future bailout recipients, we’ve drafted this comprehensive lists of alternatives for the spending of bailout funds. We’re confident that any of these options are a better use of taxpayer monies than paying people who’ve already demonstrated that they just don’t get it -
- Staff retreat to club baby seals in the Arctic – Hey, at least it gets some much-needed dollars into the tourism industry, and is still much better PR than the bonuses.
- A copy of “Economics for Dummies” or “Sally and Dale Teach Supply and Demand (Kids Edition)” for all employees.
- A ten-page apology advertorial taken out in the business section of every struggling newspaper in the country.
- Actually, screw them – spend millions in advertising on the burgeoning blog industry instead.
- Bonuses for AIG janitors and every American taxpayer who is tired of cleaning up their mess.
- WBR’s exclusive “I support the U.S. of AIG” t-shirts for all taxpayers. (In the meantime – they’re available here)
- A set of 25 DVDs and a model of Marine One for the children of all taxpayers.
- Posting Lindsay Lohan’s bail – god knows we need a constant trainwreck celebrity running around to keep us distracted from economic Armageddon.
- Laying down $100 million on Marquette to win the NCAA Tourney - The odds are 60-to-1, but when you’re leveraging 35-to-1, who gives a shit!
- Take that bonus money and split it between severance packages for everyone there and bonuses for new guys who can come in and actually do the job.
GOT OTHER SUGGESTIONS? POST A COMMENT!
Loading...
I’ll take Marquette to win the NCAA tournament. There are riskier ways to spend your money — Marquette has a better chance than say, Purdue. (I write wearing my IU shirt.)
Hey, I get that AIG as an entity has to deal with the bonuses promised in contracts or face decades in lawyer fees as folks fight this in court. My comment is, have we as a society raised such morons/selfish bastards that someone would actually sue over this clause, considering the mess he created? Where is the American capitalist who steps forward and says, “I didn’t do a good job. I’ll waive my fee.”
I think we need to look at this generation coming up and start teaching them a totally foreign concept today: shame.