All the Ways This Conficker Worm Thing Can Actually Play Out – (List!)
They made it look like a newspaper! How quaintly 2008...
So the panic is on, but we at WBR are partying like it’s 1999 – The last time we remember a computer meltdown scare this big that turned out to be nothing. It’s already April 1st in much of the world – the date that is supposed to “turn on” the Conficker worm on windows machines, telling them to reach out and spread the virus through peer-to-peer networks, but thanks to the media frenzy and the ensuing rush to slip huge digital condoms over our limp Windows OS’s – things seems to be pretty quiet so far.
Of course, we have another theory. Some of the rumors say Conficker originated in China – so if they make computer worms the same way they make everything else that I’ve bought anywhere in the last decade, it must have broke two minutes after they got it out the door, poisoning everyone’s children and dogs along the way.
Nonetheless, with this being the April Fool’s Day virus and all, we drafted a short list of the other ways this might play out in our wildest dreams or nightmares:
1. April 1st is actually the day that Conficker turns “off” and we learn that it was just a nasty computer bug that had caused the global economic meltdown – the Dow Jones soars to 15,000 and we all buy a new Hummer and life size model of a guy building a model airplane on credit.
2. The Conficker Worm is Dick Cheney – he’s not only suspended habeas corpus from beyond Washington, he’s suspended a bunch of corpses over Washington, ready to strike on 040109. Apocalyptic flesh-eating zombie scenes ensue. Fade to black, swell Marilyn Manson.
3. All browsers simultaneously point to wreckingballreport.com – we all make seventeen dollars in a single day on Adsense! We retire happy.
4. The Conficker Worm withdraws from all our registries, after it’s learned that it failed to pay $4,500 in back taxes. What a dick.
5. All machines running Windows are destroyed – we celebrate with cake, ice cream and hours on the slip n slide.
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