WreckingBallReport.com

Watch Out for Deeznuts, indeed.

With the world falling apart in such major and profound ways these days, we too often get distracted from the little things that can just as easily ruin our day or kill us. Fortunately, this year those little disasters are landing right around April Fool’s Day so we can all have a good chuckle as our lives crumble, leaving only the dried grains of salt from our tears.

First, STOP EATING EVERYTHING! AGAIN. That’s right, the killer bacteria with the cute name is back! Salmonella’s in Pistachios this time, and it wants to make your next dish of ice cream green – ganggrene! Ha! See – April Fool’s!

What a great holiday – until you get sick and die for real, but we had a good laugh, right?  Oh, you megafarms with your lax standards, and that FDA with its complete impotence and lack of real authority – what a rich bunch you are!

Next up – there’s that nastly little worm that’s set to hit the Internet tomorrow, allegedly. It goes by “Conficker” or the “Microsoft virus,” and exploits a security vulnerability in Windows (what? noooo way!) that was supposed to be fixed by a patch issued last fall. But apparently all it takes is one dude in Kentucky playing Duke Nukem on an old Windows 95 system and a dial-up connection too slow to download even anime porn to spread this thing through much of the known world via some particularly nasty peer-to-peer infection technology – it works kind of like the real world equivalent – something we used to call “orgy weekend at Syphillus Steve’s.”

Translation: bad virus spread fast over Internet tomorrow, turn your computer to mush – April Fool’s! Well, except for the part where you really are fucked.

• California plant recalls 1 million pounds of pistachio products – CNN.com.
• Conficker flaw reveals which computers are infected