More on Somali pirates’ ransom demands for American hostage (LIST!)
The world’s most prominent assholes of the moment, those pesky Somali pirates floating in the Indian Ocean with Captain Richard Phillips of the Maersk Alabama as hostage, have communicated that they are demanding a ransom and safe passage to the shore in exchange for his release.
That non-specific list of demands is nothing surprising, but thanks to WBR’s highly placed sources at Quantico, and the fact that we’ve seen Pirates of the Caribbean, like, 300 times, we’ve got ahold of this exclusive list of the pirates’ specific demands. Enjoy:
1. 10 BILLION Somali Shillings, are the equivalent of about twelve dollars. No, just kidding, we want lots of money. Ha Ha – we pirates love currency exchange humor!
2. Three sets of Michelle Obama’s smashing outfits from last week for our wives.
3. What was it that the TinMan and the Lion and the Scarecrow dude were ransoming that hot chick for in the old movie? We can use those things, too….
4. Get this damn Conficker Worm off our laptops!
5. Bring the blind dude back to American Idol, you heartless pigs! And how can we ever enjoy House again without Kal Penn? We’ve also got a few mil riding on Tiger Woods in the Masters. Make it happen.
6. We better not see this list littered with currently popular search terms for SEO purposes. You know, things like Lady GaGa or Wii Codes, or maybe Obama Iran.
7. Parrots. We know, we know, but we just don’t feel like real pirates, sometimes, you know?
8. A floating port-a-potty would be nice.
9. How about some Perrier? Did you know that the ocean tastes like salt?
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