WreckingBallReport.com

Madden Plans to Spend His Retirement in Quicksand

John Madden has announced his retirement from sports broadcasting, but that doesn’t mean he’s slowing down. As Madden said himself in an early morning press conference:

” Let me tell you something – when I was coaching the Raiders, we had this one guy who had oatmeal for breakfast every morning before a game. And the thing about oatmeal is it’s filled with all kinds of vitamins, and you see, here’s the thing -  vitamins are good for you. Whoa – boy, I tell you though, those vitamins are not for me, the only vitamin I ever need is Vitamin T, and that’s only found in Turkey. I’m talking about the all-important gobbler vitamin”

Madden then wildly shook his cheeks from side to side and wandered off.

Publicists for Madden and ABC later clarified, confirming the rumors that while Madden will be on hiatus from the broadcasting booth, he will remain in the public eye, conducting a high profile man-hunt of Frank Caliendo, which will be turned into a reality-show featuring Dog the Bounty Hunter on the rarely viewed Spike TV Network.

A related press release also announced the sequel to Madden’s popular series of sports video games. The new game is purported to feature the “most realistic first-person gaming simulation to date of the day-to-day lifestyle of an overweight retired American semi-celebrity with chronically high cholesterol.”

Madden Extreme Retirement ’09 is slated to hit the shelves in May, packaged with IRA-pocalypse, a first person shooter in which retired Floridians take to Wall Street with an array of heavy weapons seeking vengeance against various financial managers for the decimation of their retirement accounts.  The game also features narration from Madden, who offers his familiar inane play-by-play for the carnage, such as”Wow- what you’ve got there is a no-load fund manager that just got a load of lead.” or “BAM! He really killed that guy in the suit! You see, he’s just dead.”