WreckingBallReport.com

Doesn’t this Swine Flu know how a 24-hour news cycle is supposed to work?  Some horrible news completely takes over the media and our lives – it gets a full day – and then the slate is wiped clean for the next cycle and we completely forget everything we learned so we can devote our full attention to whichever stupid celebrity said something ignorant or offensive today.

That’s how it’s supposed to work, yet each day, Swine Flu or H1N1 INfluenza or Mexico Flu or Holy Shit! We’re All Going to Die Flu or whatever it’s called now keeps rising to the top of the news heap. I mean, we barely had a second to utter “Whatdafuc?” about Air Force One grazing the Manhattan skyline before the world pandemic alert got elevated to a 5, which we’re pretty sure is basically the first half hour of Outbreak.

So in the interest of reclaiming our lives and our news cycle from the grips of H1N1 Panic ( I reserve the right to use that name for a future Indie Rock band, by the way), here’s a few of the inane stories we’ve all missed the last few days (EDITOR’S NOTE – Add your own missed stories in the comments below or using the Public Wrecks submission widget on the right):

1. Crazy People are Getting Divorced: Who would have imagined that having 8 kids and then letting a TV network film your family chaos would be hard on a marriage? Turns out that the TLC channel is the homewrecker we always suspected it to be, and Jon and Kate Gosselin of “Jon and Kate Plus 8″ fame are rumored to be headed for divorce.  And then, in the ‘didn’t that already happen like 5 times?’ department, Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn appear to have split up again, once again citing Robin’s years-long struggle living with Sean Penn.
2. Joe Biden said something stupid in direct contradiction to his boss: Hey wait, wasn’t that about the flu? Nice try.
3. Joe Biden only said ONE stupid thing in direct contradiction to his boss: Stop the presses!
4. Supreme Court Justice David Souter announced his retirement and America scrambled for the Internet to figure out if we need to care or if anything will really change. Answer: No. Besides, we’re all going to die, remember? Oops, sorry. Damn, this thing is persistent!
5. Tyra Banks has a stalker. And I have an alibi.
6. Sarah Palin was on Orange County Choppers: It hurts to have missed this one more than any of the others – what’s next? An appearance on America’s Next Top Model? Wait a second… was the Governor away from Alaska when Tyra was being stalked?
7. California woman says the Zodiac Killer was her dad and she was along for the ride during at least one of the murders. Talk about a dysfunctional family. Oh well, at least she doesn’t have “Jon and Kate” for parents.