This is the group that basically tries to take down any judicial candidate even a smidge left of Antonin Scalia, the Supreme Court justice that’s a passionate champion for the idea that the U.S. Constitution is a ‘dead document’ and should be interpreted the way the founding fathers actually conceived it at the time, and that justices shouldn’t be swayed by or empathize with the details of an individual case to ‘legislate from the bench.’

Hey, WAKE UP! Caught you snoozing!

So anyway, here’s how that same group attacks Sonia Sotomayor, by pointing out the time she failed to legislate from the bench…

Anyway, the Republican National Committee is digging deep into the National Fear Archives, pulling out footage from the ‘controversial “daisy” ad to make a “point” about Guantanamo.

In case you’re not hip to the world of 1950s advertising, the original ad ended with a mushroom cloud from a nuclear explosion – a topic that the GOP is always right about.

That’s how it’s supposed to work, yet each day, Swine Flu or H1N1 INfluenza or Mexico Flu or Holy Shit! We’re All Going to Die Flu or whatever it’s called now keeps rising to the top of the news heap. I mean, we barely had a second to utter “Whatdafuc?” about Air Force One grazing the Manhattan skyline before the world pandemic alert got elevated to a 5, which we’re pretty sure is basically the first half hour of Outbreak.

So in the interest of reclaiming our lives and our news cycle from the grips of H1N1 Panic ( I reserve the right to use that name for a future Indie Rock band, by the way), here’s a few of the inane stories we’ve all missed the last few days (EDITOR’S NOTE – Add your own missed stories in the comments below or using the Public Wrecks submission widget on the right):

1. Crazy People are Getting Divorced: Who would have imagined that having 8 kids and then letting a TV network film your family chaos would be hard on a marriage? Turns out that the TLC channel is the homewrecker we always suspected it to be, and Jon and Kate Gosselin of “Jon and Kate Plus 8″ fame are rumored to be headed for divorce.  And then, in the ‘didn’t that already happen like 5 times?’ department, Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn appear to have split up again, once again citing Robin’s years-long struggle living with Sean Penn.
2. Joe Biden said something stupid in direct contradiction to his boss: Hey wait, wasn’t that about the flu? Nice try.
3. Joe Biden only said ONE stupid thing in direct contradiction to his boss: Stop the presses!
4. Supreme Court Justice David Souter announced his retirement and America scrambled for the Internet to figure out if we need to care or if anything will really change. Answer: No. Besides, we’re all going to die, remember? Oops, sorry. Damn, this thing is persistent!
5. Tyra Banks has a stalker. And I have an alibi.
6. Sarah Palin was on Orange County Choppers: It hurts to have missed this one more than any of the others – what’s next? An appearance on America’s Next Top Model? Wait a second… was the Governor away from Alaska when Tyra was being stalked?
7. California woman says the Zodiac Killer was her dad and she was along for the ride during at least one of the murders. Talk about a dysfunctional family. Oh well, at least she doesn’t have “Jon and Kate” for parents.

Well those wacky animal lovers are at it again. This time they’re out to prove to sex can sell anything – even not selling animals. Take a second to catch up on that one….

OK, you back? Great. Here’s the latest ad featuring Audrina Partridge of The Hills fame and her adopted, not bought, pooch – Speedy Gonzales. Apparently buying dogs is a no-no, but using outdated ethnic stereotypes to name them isn’t.  Whatever, just enjoy the pictures.

• FIRST LOOK: Audrina Patridge Plays a PETA Angel – Good Deeds, Audrina Patridge : People.com.

As increasingly ancient television anchors like Larry King are seeing fit to spend hours talking about Twitter and ‘Twitfits’ and ‘tweet wars’ with decreasingly relevant celebrities like Ashton Kutcher, it’s become more clear that the service is jumping the shark before our very eyes.

It seemed inevitable, really – I mean, this is a technology that was  never doing more than dragging us back into the 19th century by putting the telegraph online.

Don’t believe me? Think Twitter is really just reaching a critical mass that will seal its domination for years to come? Check out Magpie – a service that pays you to Tweet for products, (Read: whore out your TweetDeck) and tell me it’s not a sure sign of the Tweetpocalypse.

Oh, by the way, Sean Combs is also a fan of Twitter. This is a man who instantly turns everything he touches into overpriced, decade-old stereotypes. I rest my case.

Oh, and of course, please feel free to follow WBR on Twitter (WreckingBall_EM). And we promise never to mock you if you tweet our link.

Madden Plans to Spend His Retirement in Quicksand

John Madden has announced his retirement from sports broadcasting, but that doesn’t mean he’s slowing down. As Madden said himself in an early morning press conference:

” Let me tell you something – when I was coaching the Raiders, we had this one guy who had oatmeal for breakfast every morning before a game. And the thing about oatmeal is it’s filled with all kinds of vitamins, and you see, here’s the thing -  vitamins are good for you. Whoa – boy, I tell you though, those vitamins are not for me, the only vitamin I ever need is Vitamin T, and that’s only found in Turkey. I’m talking about the all-important gobbler vitamin”

Madden then wildly shook his cheeks from side to side and wandered off.

Publicists for Madden and ABC later clarified, confirming the rumors that while Madden will be on hiatus from the broadcasting booth, he will remain in the public eye, conducting a high profile man-hunt of Frank Caliendo, which will be turned into a reality-show featuring Dog the Bounty Hunter on the rarely viewed Spike TV Network.

A related press release also announced the sequel to Madden’s popular series of sports video games. The new game is purported to feature the “most realistic first-person gaming simulation to date of the day-to-day lifestyle of an overweight retired American semi-celebrity with chronically high cholesterol.”

Madden Extreme Retirement ’09 is slated to hit the shelves in May, packaged with IRA-pocalypse, a first person shooter in which retired Floridians take to Wall Street with an array of heavy weapons seeking vengeance against various financial managers for the decimation of their retirement accounts.  The game also features narration from Madden, who offers his familiar inane play-by-play for the carnage, such as”Wow- what you’ve got there is a no-load fund manager that just got a load of lead.” or “BAM! He really killed that guy in the suit! You see, he’s just dead.”

A half year after the election was decided, the snow-machining, all-mammal-shooting, willfully ignorant second family that almost was still makes headlines roughly once a week.

The latest cars to go off the tracks:

• Todd Palin’s sister-in-law has been arrested a few times now for breaking into a house to steal money. And if you’ve ever been to the white trash haven that is Wasilla, this won’t come as a surprise to you. In fact, it’s probably a testament to the health of the Palin clan that the charge is only breaking and entering and theft. The average Wasillian in-law is at least a Meth dealer facing manslaughter charges, so Bravo, Palins – for keeping your house in relative order!
• And la familia Palin is lashing out at Bristol’s former fiance Levi over his claim on the Tyra Banks cheese-fest that Sarah knew the young couple was knockin’ boots.  Palin’s response:

“It is unfortunate that Levi finds it more appealing to exploit his previous relationship with Bristol than to contribute to the well being of the child,” the statement said. “Bristol realizes now that she made a mistake in her relationship and is the one taking responsibility for their actions.”

The media is increasingly grasping at straws to find good Palin content, but guess what famous name shoots to the top of search engine queries everytime there’s another juicy tidbit? Yep – we are all gorging on the feeding frenzy.

Why? Maybe it’s our fascination with Alaska… or to Sarah Palin’s credit – her image as a politician that doesn’t fit the typical mold… or the MOST LIKELY explanation: our sick habit of the thrill we get just standing back and watching a train wreck in motion. That’s why we love reality TV, right? And in the Palins’ case, the train careening off a cliff seems like it’s a thousand miles long.

• Palin’s Sister-in-Law Arrested for Burglary – Politics news | Newser.
• Sarah Palin Lashes Out at Levi Johnston for Sex Talk on Tyra

But when Leisure Suit Limbaugh comments that Ted Kennedy will probably be dead before health reform passes, we just feel dirty.

Ironically, the GOP is just as likely to be dead by that time as well. Oops, wait – the coroner just called it.  Put ‘em over there in that plot next to the Whigs and the Reform Party.

• HuffPo – Limbaugh: Kennedy Will Be Dead By The Time Health Care Bill Passes.

Dear God, he’s stealing my soul with that look! I don’t even wan’t to mention the horrible visions I had involving Rush and Michael Steele after someone thought it was funny to call me the Man of Steel recently.

Can someone please move into the GOP power vacuum soon? What’s GW doing? At least that guy was funny.