Bring it On, Kim!

News that North Korea, the perennial Eric Cartman of North Asia, has launched its sixth test missile in recent weeks was overshadowed by whatever the hell that creepy kid down the street is up to now.

“Kim Jong Il, that guy doesn’t have the balls to actually do shit, but that kid that lives down across from the Weaver house, he worries me,” says my neighbor Ed. “I heard he’s been looking up all kinds of crazy stuff on the Internet, probably gets it off that TwitterBook or whatever.”

Ed then rushed inside to field a call from his daughter, one of the journalists currently detained in North Korea, who told him not to worry, and advised him to keep a close on the kid down the street because she recalled seeing him doing some “pretty weird stuff” to some frogs he had caught down by the crick.

Talkie, talkie talkie...

President Obama is standing by his stance on Middle East peace in the face of strong, unspoken and obvious indifference.

The President last week met with Israeli Prime Minister Benyamin “That name sounds familiar…  oh, him again?” Netanyahu and called for a stop to Israeli settlements in the West Bank, reminding the PM how richly the Zionists were rewarded last time around when Palestinians put some crazy-ass terrorist dickwads in power following the withdrawal of settlements.

“Clearly you’ve got no fucking clue what you’re talking about, Mr. President – This is the Middle East, not the frickin’ South Side of Chi-town, ” read the little cloud-like bubbles floating next to Netanyahu’s head during his meeting with Obama. “But you’re so damn charming and eloquent that I suppose I’ll just keep smiling and nodding.”

Obama reiterated the message today in a meeting with Fatah leader Mahmoud Abbas, also underlining the need for the Palestinians to increase security.

“Is this guy fucking serious? Has he noticed we’re an occupied state fighting a civil war?” said a miniature version of Abbas dressed as a devil perched on normal-sized Abbas’ shoulder.

“But maybe we should listen to what he has to say, I mean he ran such a remarkable campaign, maybe he can actually put together a lasting peace….” replied a mini-angel Abbas. “Just kidding! Yea, definitely fuck this guy!”

• Obama reiterates call for Israel to halt West Bank settlement activity – CNN.com.

Jon and Kate Plus 8, for now....

At last, the producers of TLC’s Jon & Kate Plus 8 are adding a little sizzle to the show, and I don’t mean a toddler meets skillet accident – although let’s not our kid ourselves, we all know there’s been conversations at TLC HQ about what great television that would make – the rumor is that the next season in the lives of Jon and Kate Gosselin will somehow incorporate the recent back and forth of infidelity gossip swirling around the couple:  Did Kate have an affair with family bodyguard Steve Neild? Does Jon have a special strip club friend? Does anyone remember the children? What about the children?!!

But our sources in various sleazy Hollywood gossip circles and at least one Ikea employee tell us the next season of Jon & Kate will be even juicier. Here’s a list of, yes, 8, unexpected twists to watch for:

1. Jon and Kate Gosselin come clean about their open marriage. The Show is renamed Jon and Kate Plus 8, 9, 10 , and whoever else is interested during Burning Man weekend.
   
2. When their parents marital escapades become too much, the producers offer the kids the choice to take a break by living with Buddhist monks and/or Michael Stipe.
3. One of the eldest Gosselin children briefly enthralls the world with a masterful performance of ABBA’s “Waterloo” on American Idol.
4. The family is crushed when America votes him off in favor of some emo wannabe cranberry-crap-scone.
5. Surprise! Jon and Kate get a night out on the town! No that’s not the surprise – Michael Jackson and Lindsay Lohan team up to babysit as part of their media comeback tour!
6. The whole family gets Swine Flu, coughs twice, and feels fine the next day.
7. A down economy forces Discovery Networks to shut down TLC in mid-season; America returns to talking about Rihanna.
8. The Gosselins file for divorce – all eight children seek to be legally separated from their parents and their publicists.

Sunday Swine Flu Roundup

Remember Friday? When you were able to leave work behind, head out into the world and relax knowing that scientists at the World Health Organization believed the Swine Flu virus to be less virulent than the fatal 1918 pandemic? Transmission of the disease was slowing and it seemed that the whole thing might have been as overblown as Wilt Chamberlain in the ’70s…

Yet now, after being criticized for possibly ‘overhyping’ the outbreak, the WHO is reportedly considering raising the alert to its highest level and declaring a full-blown pandemic. In other words – don’t tell anyone in Geneva their business; just like you wouldn’t tell Wes Craven he doesn’t know shit about being scary without expecting a visit from that Pinhead dude from Hellraiser in the middle  of your next shower.

Swine Flu Spreads to uh, Swine….

Nothing in this world is more powerful than branding, folks. Sell something hard enough and it becomes reality. Ok, maybe everything except nukes in Iraq.  But after a solid week of pissing off the world’s pork producers and anyone that keeps kosher (pretty impressive to tick both of those groups off), Swine Flu has finally been passed on to… swine. Take that, yesterday’s breakfast! Apparently, a farmer in Alberta has passed on the disease to his pigs, and the farmer’s wife is now filing for divorce. (“I understand one pig, but the whole, herd Harold?”) Ah, the Circle of Life has been completed. It’s so beautiful…

Let’s not beat around the viral pandemic bush here, folks. This morning when we all heard the first swine flu death had been recorded in the US, we all scurried around saying “oh shit, oh shit, oh shit…,” spilled our Starbucks, burned the bacon, shouted “Serves you right swine-fucker!” and then freaked out for an hour when our toddler let out a little cough.

But then, a little later, the word came that the toddler that had died of Swine Flu in Texas was actually a child from Mexico that had come to the U.S. with family in search of treatment. You suddenly felt a little better didn’t you? I mean, it still hasn’t killed any of US, right?

Could it be that God (or the shadow government, freemasons, insert other conspiratorial overlord group here) could be trying to make a very dramatic statement about immigration policy? I mean, what the fuck? A virus that only kills Mexicans? The virus crosses the border and it’s suddenly a mild flu? Unless of course it crosses the border in a Mexican child, in which case it’s still a total motherfucker. What kind of crazy existential Kafka shit is this?

Or maybe it just has something to do with the fact that millions of Mexicans are dirt-ass poor and unable to afford even basic health care or live in hygienic environments – sounds like a good place to locate our hog farms, eh?….

Here’s what’s buzzing with the scariest flu pandemic scare in a century involving a virus that only seems to actually be scary if you live in Mexico.

• Swine Flu spreads to Israel, prompting officials there to declare that it should be called “Mexico flu” since swine aren’t kosher. Classy. Does Torah tell us anything about whether or not influenza is kosher? Maybe we should call it “Acapulco Snotty Coughy Death Monster” … Oh, wait, that’s actually the name of that badass sack of weed we got last month.
• The Virus has also been reported in New Zealand, prompting local Hobbits to run for the hills to seek the assistance and cover massive talking trees. Sorry, that’s all we’ve got for New Zealand…
• A San Antonio school district closed its doors for at least a week after a few students were suspected of carrying the virus. You heard it here first kids – if you wanna get out of school – stop washing your hands, and make out with everyone! Especially the new kids from New York or Texas, and any of the Garcia brothers.

What did this fine, upstanding catholic nation ridden with drug violence ever due to deserve such smiting? With Mexico City turned to a ghost town overnight thanks to swine flu fears and school cancelled throughout the country to try and quell the spread of the deadly disease, the Almighty followed up this epidemiological wedgie with a tectonic titty twister.

A 6.0 temblor rocked Central Mexico, prompting millions of people to shout ‘AYE CARAMBA’ in unison.

Once again, he was chosen to work in mysterious ways, punishing one of the most faithful of nations for the advent of the age of gay marriage in Iowa.

At least the Lord waited until after Spring Break to unleash His fury south of border. Ah, Dios Mio, estas un hombre loco!

A quick glance at Google Trends finds that some of this morning’s top rising searches are (shameless SEO alert!) “Earth Day Facts,” “Earth Day Word Search,” “Earth Day Lesson Plans,” “Earth Day Coloring Pages,” “Earth Day Activities for Kids,”  “Earth Day Writing Prompts,” “Earth Day Activities for Kids,” “Disney Earth Movie,” “Earth Day Games,” “Earth Quotes” (Help Me! I’m melting! What a world, what a world….),  “Earth Day Reading Comprehension,” “Earth Day Scavenger Hunt,”
AND – for those teachers who really didn’t do their homework before coming to class today:  “Earth Day 2009 Date.”

It’s the same day every year, BTW.

Also, major kudos to all you teachers out there with no respect for copyright laws who are searching for a free copy of The Lorax online. Educators after our own hearts….

Almost all these dubious last minute searches for classroom time filler in between YET ANOTHER No Child Left Behind-required test peaked right around 9 AM eastern time this morning.

So I no longer feel guilty about doing my Calculus homework in class, 5 minutes before it’s due. Maybe now the dreams will finally stop, or at least maybe I won’t be in my underwear anymore.

Google Trends: david kellermann, Apr 22, 2009.

The world’s most prominent assholes of the moment, those pesky Somali pirates floating in the Indian Ocean with Captain Richard Phillips of the Maersk Alabama as hostage, have communicated that they are demanding a ransom and safe passage to the shore in exchange for his release.

That non-specific list of demands is nothing surprising, but thanks to WBR’s highly placed sources at Quantico, and the fact that we’ve seen Pirates of the Caribbean, like, 300 times, we’ve got ahold of this exclusive list of the pirates’ specific demands. Enjoy:

1. 10 BILLION Somali Shillings, are the equivalent of about twelve dollars. No, just kidding, we want lots of money. Ha Ha – we pirates love currency exchange humor!

2. Three sets of Michelle Obama’s smashing outfits from last week for our wives.

3. What was it that the TinMan and the Lion and the Scarecrow dude were ransoming that hot chick for in the old movie? We can use those things, too….

4. Get this damn Conficker Worm off our laptops!

5. Bring the blind dude back to American Idol, you heartless pigs! And how can we ever enjoy House again without Kal Penn? We’ve also got a few mil riding on Tiger Woods in the Masters. Make it happen.

6. We better not see this list littered with currently popular search terms for SEO purposes. You know, things like Lady GaGa or Wii Codes, or maybe Obama Iran.

7.  Parrots. We know, we know, but we just don’t feel like real pirates, sometimes, you know?

8. A floating port-a-potty would be nice.

9. How about some Perrier? Did you know that the ocean tastes like salt?

• Somali pirates demand ransom for American hostage – US – World – The Times of India.

UPDATE: More on Somali pirates’ ransom demands for American hostage (LIST!)

Can we get a film crew and Matt Damon out to the Somali Coast right away? There’s a sweet action drama unfolding.

The Pentagon reports that the crew of the Maersk Alabama has retaken the ship from Somali pirates. While Maersk is refusing to confirm the report – we can only imagine that the drama involved lots of handsome men kicking serious Somali ass while inexplicably dodging thousands of machine gun fire rounds and taking out the bad guys with single, perfectly aimed handgun shots.

Good to know Hollywood isn’t full of shit, after all.

• Pentagon says crew retake US ship from pirates – 4/8/2009 11:17:32 AM | Newser.